Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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