I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
