I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize