I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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