I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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