Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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