my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
