the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
