remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
