dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
