I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
