Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
