he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
