Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
