I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
