Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
