if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
