Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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