You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
