We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
