would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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