my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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