i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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