Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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