Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
