I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
