found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
