This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
