OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
