He told me they were just razor bumps!
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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