you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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