I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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