I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
