so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
