I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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