But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
