everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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