Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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