when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
