Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
