the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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