i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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