dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
