Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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