he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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