You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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