alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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