I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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