Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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