in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Panties = found
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
