you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
