that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
