have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
