dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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