I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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