Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
