he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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