Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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