I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
