I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Randomize
