Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize