I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
